I was four or five years old when my mother, my one year younger sister, and I were over in the next town to see the pediatrician, Dr. S. None of my memories from this early time are clear; not in a linear way. That said, all my thoughts and memories of visits with Dr. S are pretty friendly, except for one. The memory that is indelibly etched into my mind is of what happened on this particular day.
Our doctor’s office was in a house. You would walk in from the driveway/small parking lot into a basement room which served as a waiting room. The room had the 1950’s – 60’s vintage panelling that worked to make the room feel dim brown. In this case it was a lighter shade of dim. Off of the waiting room was a corridor. Down this hallway were the examination rooms. The hall wasn’t long, and there were maybe three or four rooms. We were going into the first room on the left.
The room was a typical, as seen on TV, primary care physician’s room. There was the obligatory examination table, counters, and cabinets surrounding the room. My sister and I were invited to sit on the table. We dutifully agreed, and got up on the table. We were sitting next to each other. She was to my right, and I to her left, side by side. I’m not sure how my sister felt right at that time. I don’t remember feeling any real nervousness. I can’t remember where our mom was. I do remember following the doctor across the room with my eyes. He made it in the direction of the the door to the room, and got busy with some materials that were there on a like a counter to the right of the door. Dr. S. turned in our direction holding a hypodermic, a needle!! Every thing went code red for me.
An emergency panic alert went off inside me. All of a sudden, I had no access to duty, compliance, or control. I literally hit the floor running. Out the door, through the lobby, and crashing into the exit door I went. Hysterically screaming in horror and terror, I desperately panic grappled with the door knob for escape. Grabbed!! I was grabbed!!! In their immediate surprise, my mom and Dr. S. tried to hold on to me, and calm me down. My visceral trajectory was skyrocketing. There was no calming this kid down. Spontaneous wails of pleading, “NO! NO! NO!” coincided with the most ferocious desperate writhing wrestle for release I could muster. In this precious moment of blind terror, I was either going to get out of there, or die trying.
What happened next is blurry, yet distinct. I was being dragged back into the examination room. Dr. S. was no feeble guy, and my mom was very strong. In the ensuing human tug of war, I gave it all I had. Clinging to anything I could grab was my emergency strategy to avoid this sudden, unexpected nightmare. At no point did I try to attack my persuaders, but did I plead!? The struggle lasted for a blind amount of time. I was lost in desperation. Screaming, grabbing, running, pulling, holding, grappling, and straining to the maximum. “You can’t!!” “I won’t!!” Then a sort of inevitability took place. I was losing strength. I remember feeling my arms and hand losing their strength. Just like in a tug of war, you could see that the progress was slowly, but surely, inching in the direction of the stronger side.
I collapsed. There was still a little strength left in me. Just enough to sit up next to my sister again. After being replaced in the jump seat, I was sitting there overwhelmed, exhausted, and temporarily resigned to compliance. It now seems like a hypnotic trance had taken over. The memories are quiet. First my sister, then me. In and out went the needles, delivering their quiver of “whatever” to make you better by vaccination they are supposedly about. The rest of this visit has disappeared from memory; disappeared like the vague aspect of a suspicious dream. What remains is the intensity of the feelings.
In a world of crippled discernment, and shredded trust, a survival reliance system is really for one’s own making. This pre-political, pre-programming, pre-illness gut response of mine is still alive. The gut feeling is the most reliable. I’m going to trust it. These modern day shots are everywhere. Pass at one’s own risk. I know I opted out at the outset, and the no shot conviction is stronger now than ever. With all due respect, take your shot and stick it. Blessings, and mercy, for anyone that will have them in their body; they are totally unwelcome in mine.